FCKG XYZ

Worries and Fear

Premise #

Often times, like today morning, my mind is pre occupied with a feeling of fear, worry and being taken for a ride by someone. Is that a feeling that comes out of some real observation? Is it preemptive? Is it a systematic belief?

Effect #

Irrespective of its source, it most likely clouds decision making, or puts the wrong weightage on the decision making variables. In fact, the purely logical part of the brain has to spend an inordinate amount of time on calibrating. Irrespective, the process is highly inefficient aha fraught with decision risks and even decision paralysis. Hence, a reasoning or even reframing is probably needed.

Possible Cause #

Let’s try and do the Freudian thing here.

Are there any instances from my childhood that may led to this?

One comes to mind.

I was new to the boarding school.

I was homesick. And noticed that others were fine because they had each other. Obviously they had been there longer. Then there were the new ones who also, it seemed, were those who knew someone or the other. I was clearly lacking, and feeling left out. Or maybe i simply wanted friends.

There was this one guy. I was immediately compared to him in terms of 'intelligence' or 'brains' - basically just to mean being decent at math.

Out introduction was very lukewarm but I don't remember, he started to take me under his wing - helping me find the ropes of life in boarding.

I'm not how the following case of stupidity occurred - I didn't have a book carrying bag with me. Most people didn't. It was universal to carry books in one's hand - we only had a maximum of 2 lectures together before a trip back to the hostel was in the routine for something or the other. Also, most people just didn't carry textbooks, unless asked for - just a notebook. He had a bag. And offered to have me add my books to his bag too, provided I carry it.

For quite a few days, maybe a few weeks, nothing struck me as out of the ordinary. As other started conversing with me, I realised I was being mocked being in this weird setup with no gain whatsoever.

Maybe he saw me struggling with my books, and was just being nice. But even then, we could've simply split carrying the bag on a roughly equal number of occasions. But it definitely felt like I had been used.

So that's one instance, can't ascertain it's impact, but it's definitely one that's come to mind. And a recall must mean some weightage, even if not a lot.

TL;DR #

We are a sum of our experiences - individual, genetic, collective. Even if it's not this or just this instance, there's definitely something that causes me to be like this.

What I've learnt though is this - such situations need to be handled head on. Staying quite, trying to observe or analyse without talking, and festering all the while does no good, and spoils the situation further.

If I'm being taken for a ride, it continues for longer, inflicting more damage.

If not, it causes me to behave in unintended ways, even if to be protective, but reduces outcome quality notnetheless.

Head on it is then #